I think one of the saddest, and certainly most bizarre, ironies in this world is that of how sexuality is viewed. It hit me the other day how thoroughly our country has embraced the idea of “sex sells.” Even other countries describe the United States as hyper-sexualized. Just about every television show or movie includes some aspect of sexual immorality, most commonly sex between individuals who aren’t married. It’s passionate! It’s desired! It’s admired!
Until. Until a couple is actually married. Then how is it portrayed? As a duty or an obligation. An unfair expectation that a man has of his wife. A reason to take Tylenol, claim a headache, and go to bed before your husband. Wait a minute, what happened?! The undeniable message our world is flinging at us everywhere we look is sex before marriage = good, and sex after marriage = bad. What’s that old saying about making what is evil good and what is good evil?
If we live in a hyper-sexualized society (we do), and if we live in a sexually confused society (we do), then it seems to me that it would be very important for God’s people to have a proper understanding of His design for the sexual relationship. The biblical truth is that sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is a beautiful thing. As Christian wives, we must strive to shut out the world and listen to what God’s word has to say about sexual intimacy in marriage.
An important passage that addresses this issue is 1 Corinthians 7:1-5,
“Now concerning the things about which you wrote, it is good for a man not to touch a woman. But because of immoralities, each man is to have his own wife, and each woman is to have her own husband. The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
There is a lot to unpack in this text. First of all, it appears that the 1st-century world was also sending unbiblical messages about sexual relationships, to the extent that the Christians were wondering if it was sinful to have sex at all. (Have you ever known anyone who struggled with intimacy after marriage, after having it drilled into their heads that sex is dirty and sinful?) But what is Paul’s response to this question? Get married. Have sex. Regularly!
Why is it good to have an active sex life with your husband? Because of the temptation to sexual immorality. Why would sexual immorality tempt us? Because God designed us to be sexual creatures.
As women, we are sent so many conflicting messages: sex is bad, we are only as worthy as we are sexy; if we are sinning; if we don’t desire sex, we desire sex, we are sinning… This results in the beautiful connection God gave us to share with our husbands, becoming a checklist of dos and don’ts. The result is that more women than ever are struggling with body image issues, pornography addiction, guilt and shame, and stress and frustration when it comes to this important aspect of the marriage relationship.
So, where do we begin to heal in this area? We begin with the words of Paul. God has given you and your husband to each other, to be together and enjoy each other. He starts by saying, “Hey, husbands, meet your wife’s physical needs.” Then, he tells the wives to do the same. This makes it clear that sexual desire for your husband is a good and expected thing.
Along these lines, I am convinced that the most important sexual organ we have is our minds. If you struggle with sexual desire, either a lack of it or a desire that has been met through unhealthy means such as pornography or mommy porn (my not-so-affectionate name for romance novels), here are some things that can help:
- If you partake in pornography, you are not alone. Please reach out to a trusted counselor for help.
- If you get your perspective on sexual intimacy from romance novels, stop it. That just gives unrealistic expectations and is completely unfair to your husband.
- Consistently focus your mind on your husband in positive ways. What you find attractive about him is that you intentionally remember special times you have spent together.
- This may not sound romantic, but schedule time to be intimate together. This can be so helpful, especially if you’re in the busy stage of life with kids at home! It also gives you all day to prepare your heart and mind for a special evening.
- The saying is very true that men are microwaves and women are crockpots. If he’s in the mood and you aren’t, it’s OK to ask for 30 minutes to go relax in a bubble bath and prepare your heart and mind.
- Do things that help you feel attractive: brush your teeth and hair, take a bath, put on makeup and/or perfume, and wear something that makes you feel attractive.
- Remember, sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is not just about the physical, not for either one of you. The very word “intimacy” implies an emotional connection. Fully engage yourself not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well. (That being said, I know there are times when a wife does not feel emotionally safe with her husband. If that is you, DO NOT feel guilty! But also, don’t put yourself through emotional trauma. Please seek out a professional counselor, ideally a church member, as soon as possible.)
- Work towards making your bedroom a haven. It doesn’t have to be spotless by any means, but keep it tidy. I also recommend not having a lot of photos, artwork, etc. of the kids in your room. They get the whole rest of the house. It’s OK to keep this one area just for you, and kids don’t enter without permission. Ensure your bedroom is your getaway, reserved for you and your husband.
The sexual relationship between a husband and wife is a beautiful gift from God. It’s special, unique, and so important. I believe this is why Satan attacks it so vehemently. Don’t let the world tell you how you should feel about your husband or how you should feel about intimacy. Trust and look to the words of the one who created you.
For a further examination of this topic, see “Pursued, God’s Plan for Intimacy in Marriage: A Study of the Song of Solomon,” available through Kaio Publications and Amazon.
Lacy Crowell
Lacy Crowell is the Dean of Students at Freed Hardeman University in Henderson, TN. She has been married to the love of her life, Jonathan, for over 20 years. They are blessed with four amazing kiddos whom Lacy has had the privilege of homeschooling. She has also served alongside her husband in full-time ministry for 15 years. She is a graduate of the Bear Valley Bible Institute of Denver and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Her great joy is working to help others become excited about studying God’s word, and helping couples thrive in their marriages. She is a member of the Come Fill Your Cup team and the author of two Bible study books for women: Proclaimed – Jesus the Messiah which is a study of the Gospel of Mark, and Pursued – God’s Plan for Intimacy in Marriage: a study of the Song of Solomon.